Being Honest With Ourselves

 

This blog was inspired by this talk on limits by Pastor Ben Smith From the Vancouver Revival Fellowship.

James 1:22But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. 23For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: 24For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. 25But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

I wanted to do something different with this blog: less of a Bible study and more of a heart-to-heart.  In life, we often have to make hard decisions, uncomfortable decisions.  And making tough choices requires a level of honesty that we don't always realize.  

I recently started going to the gym and there are days when it's a battle of wills.  On the one hand, my thinking mind is telling me, "Girl, you know your body needs this" and then my feeling mind tells me "Your muscles hurt so bad and you just got off work.  I know you'd rather go home and take a rest day."  But if I dig deeper and am honest with myself this is what's really going on, "Commitment is hard.  I don't know if I can do this every day.  I have no support system.  I don't want to have to motivate myself.  This is new and uncomfortable.  I'm not seeing changes fast enough."  

The thing is, as hard as that honesty is, if we can get there then we can begin to get past it and overcome it.  If I realize that I'm having a commitment issue then I can fight that with, "It's hard, but you can do hard things and this will be worth it."  If I can realize my issue is that I'm not seeing changes fast enough then I can combat that with, "Just because I can't see the changes doesn't mean they aren't there.  You're already lifting five pounds more than last week! You have been enjoying the feeling of your muscles working and remember how much you've enjoyed that quiet time when hardly anyone is there?  Having that time for yourself is a big change! Consistent, small changes will add up."

The same principle applies to our spiritual life.  We need to have that deep level of honesty.  It starts with the foundation, salvation.  In 2014 I found myself praying some rather honest prayers "God, I want to give everything to you, but I'm afraid if I do then I'll lose everyone close to me.", "God, I know you're word says that I must be holy as You are holy, but I feel powerless over pornography and I'm not reading the Bible much and I look no different than my friends who are atheists.", "God have you created me to be a screwup so that you can one day pour out your wrath on me and use me as an example?  Because that's what it feels like.  It feels like I'm never going to be the person your Word says I should be.", and then there was "Well, God, if this is my lot in life, if this is your plan for me, then at least I'm part of your plan.  If all I'm here for is to be used as an example then at least I'm being used.  But I really hope that's not the case.".  

When I became honest with myself, I was able to realize that there were things holding me back from being close to God.  I didn't want to lose my friends.  I didn't want to become one of those crazy people shouting fire and brimstone on the street corner.  And I didn't have the power to overcome binding behaviors (pornography/lust, alcohol, bad language) in my own strength.  You can read my full testimony here, but the shortest version is that shortly after I began praying these honest prayers, I was presented with the idea that the Gospel Jesus and the first church preached was not the Gospel I had been taught growing up.  And when I was told that salvation is through repentance, full immersion baptism,  and receiving the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in new tongues, I had to pray even more honest prayers... "God, they're telling me this is what's required, and they're showing me verses to back it up, but I don't believe them.", "God, I want to know the truth.", "God, you're going to have to convince me."....... 

Being honest with myself meant realizing that I was uncomfortable being presented with something new and different than what all those churches taught me growing up.  Being honest with myself now meant realizing that I didn't want to believe these people who were telling me that baptism and receiving the Spirit were required for salvation.  Being honest with myself meant realizing that I didn't want to think that I had been lied to and believed the lies for the last 20 years of my life.  Being honest with myself was hard.  It was uncomfortable.  But... being honest with myself meant that I could pray for the Lord to show me the truth Himself and that I could leave room for Him to do just that.  Being honest with myself meant I could relook at all those scriptures and say "Yep, I see them.  No, I don't believe them.  But, if they're true I want my life to line up with them."  

For almost two weeks I prayed in the Spirit daily (because I was Spirit-filled back in college) and began reading Acts where the church started, and asked God to prove His word to me.  If I hadn't faced my fears and reservations head-on, I wouldn't have gotten to that place of humble searching.  Recognizing that I didn't want to believe what I was being told and WHY I didn't want to believe it helped me to open myself up for the Lord to show me the truth.  And that's what happened.  It wasn't people preaching to me that showed me the truth.  I argued with the people.  It was alone in prayer and reading it for myself that the Lord revealed the truth to me.  And there have been times even since then I've had to be honest with myself.  

Some people hear the Gospel and immediately shut it down because of pride or fear or those uncomfortable feelings they aren't ready to face.  Some people, like me, put up a front because of original offense but then take it and think about it and pray about it.  Some people do something with the message, acting on it.  Some people forget about it...or try to. Then there's some people who dip a toe in the water and test parts out for a while before they either jump in or turn away.  And each of these people has different realities they have to face about themselves. 

Immediately shutting it down honesty might would look like:

- I don't have that much faith.

- I'm afraid for my life to change.

- I don't want to know the truth, I'd rather believe a lie. 

This could be combated with: 

- They are telling me God will prove it.  Let me put it to the test, then maybe faith will come. 

- I can't imagine a different life for myself but the things I'm currently stuck in are empty so maybe it's worth a shot. 

- If this is the truth and it's provable, what do I gain for believing a lie? And what might I be missing out on? 

My personal opinion is the most dangerous place to be is in that last camp of people, the people who dip their toe in just enough to know there's something three, but not enough to really soak up everything there is.  The reason why this is so dangerous is because you're leaving more room to lie to yourself.  You can convince yourself you "tested it out" and it "didn't work" or "wasn't for you" when really you didn't test it out.  Imagine going to a 5 star restaurant and claiming you didn't like the meal when all you did was lick the sauce spoon.  It's like my youngest who will take the tiniest bite of the outermost bit of something then say he doesn't like it.  I'm like "boy, you didn't taste the whole thing!  All you got was crust!". 

These people might get baptized but don't pray to receive long enough.  

- "I haven't received the Spirit yet.  Guess it's not real!"

     *"Luke 11:5-13 says KEEP ASKING and you will receive.  If I want to know, I can't give up."

Or they might receive the Spirit first but not get baptized.

- "I was baptized/sprinkled years ago" 

     *"The Bible never shows kids being baptized and never shows sprinkling." 

-  "I don't understand why I need to be baptized again".

     *"All the accounts of baptism in Acts were people who had heard the truth, being baptized by people who preached the truth.  When I was baptized I didn't know the salvation requirements and my preacher didn't preach the salvation Jesus did."

More often, these are people who come get baptized and even receive the Holy Spirit but only come to a few meetings after that.  If this group could be honest with themselves, this is what it would look like: 

- "I'm not ready to commit.  I feel like I have too much to lose from my old life."

     *"If I really thought my old life was that great, I never would have been searching for more.  I asked for the truth and God gave me the Holy Spirit.  Maybe this is the enemy trying to pull me away before I establish roots and grow fruit."

-  "I've changed my mind, I'm not really interested in this life."

     *"The Bible says I have to repent, that means turning from my way to God's.  I haven't done that yet."

- "I talked to my family/friends about this and they've made me doubt."

     *"I feel alone and persecuted, but I know what I experienced and I can see it in the Bible.  Jude 20 says praying in the Spirit builds faith so that's what I need to do, I need to keep paying and reading.  Blessed are those who are persecuted.  God will never leave me nor forsake me.  The Bible says though my father and mother forsake me the Lord will take me up."

- "I feel challenged.  I'm being told not to go to other churches and not to listen to certain preachers." 

     *"Well, the Bible does warn against listening to false doctrine and to stay away from people who have a form of godliness but deny the power that makes us godly.  Maybe there's some wisdom in not listening to people who don't preach the salvation Jesus preached."

Or 

- "They're saying I shouldn't marry someone who hasn't been baptized and received the Spirit. It feels like they're trying to control me."

     *"The Bible talks a lot about how light and darkness have no fellowship and now you shouldn't be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  I have to decide if I love this person more than I love God.  Is he/she worth giving up my salvation?"

Sometimes with new people (and maybe even with people who have been around awhile) honesty is admitting you're not getting anything out of your walk with the Lord because you aren't putting anything into it.  Are we honest with ourselves about whether we're putting God first, are we getting enough prayer, reading, and fellowship in?  If plants aren't watered, they die.  It's that simple.

And the longer someone hangs around, honesty would become more like:

- "God hasn't changed, and the message hasn't changed, so maybe I'm the one who has moved."

     *"There's always time to repent and reposition.  Today is still the day of salvation."

- "I want to run because I feel offended/unheard/embarrassed/left out/etc."

     *"No one is perfect.  Maybe I'm right and maybe they did me wrong, but it's not worth losing my salvation over.  God, help me to have the victory over my pride here. The Bible gives instructions on how I can handle conflict.  I need to hang in here and pray about my attitude and try to resolve this.  Either way, no matter what happens, I know what I have received and I know the value of my salvation and of the body of Christ.  I will not let the enemy overcome me."

Being honest with yourself is hard.  It's easier to make an excuse without much thought.  But if we can get to the point of honesty, we can overcome whatever is holding us back, no matter if we're just hearing the true Gospel, dipping our toe in for the first time, or whether we are seasoned veterans.  We must not forget what manner of man we are, after all, we're only deceiving ourselves.